Sunday, July 5, 2009

Home Improvement For The Sistas

Question posed on Twitter, early Sunday morning: "What do we need to do to resell the dream of marriage and family to our black men?"

Usually, you don't get too many thought-provoking tweets, on Twitter. I was at my favorite spot, slightly inebriated, when I saw this question.

It caught my attention.

Firstly, I can tell you that the vast majority of us brothers want to do the "marriage & family" thing. It hits us, after we've "sown our royal oats." I know the saying says "wild oats", but we are Kings, so our oats are royal, dammit. In seriousness, I'm going to break down some issues that preclude us from pursuing the so-called "American Dream" and perpetuates the "playa" approach.

1.) Sistas, please throw out that antiquated-assed "I'm always right, because I'm a woman" philosophy. That shit could not be more incorrect, and it only serves to frustrate us because we start thinking we can't communicate with you. You're not always wrong, but try to dig what we're saying. And for fuck's a woman about yours, and apologize when you KNOW you're wrong. We do it, even when we're right. Trust me, it will endear us to you, when you show that vulnerability. You won't look weak. I promise.

2.) Don't try to control all the money. The issue of control over finances is the #1 cause of divorce. You try to control a man's money, and you are trying to control that man. At least, that's our perception. Encourage him to get more engaged with the bills, if you're the one that does that. A lot of us don't help the situation by saying, "I bust my ass to make the money. Take care of it." Guys, when you do this, you're asking to have your nuts cut off. You may as well say, "take all my money and just give me what YOU think I should have."

3.) When it comes to children, don't make us the "bad guy." You have to hold children accountable, like we do. "Wait until your father gets home" ain't gonna cut it. Beat that ass, then tell their father why you did it, when he gets home. Be their mother first, and THEN be their friend. They need that, and they will respect both of you more because you're showing a united front. I promise, those kids won't stay mad at you. But, they will get mad at you later in their lives, for not caring enough to steer them in the right direction.

4.) Be that "ride-or-die chick." Support what we set out to do. Don't berate us or laugh us off, saying things like, "That won't work", or "Boy, you silly." We are open to suggestion. If we do come up with a bad idea (as we often do), help out. Suggest a better way, and offer support and assistance. It's an investment. It will strengthen that "Bonnie & Clyde" thing, that couples need. Us against the world, baby.

These are just a few suggestions. But, you'd be amazed at the positivity things like this can trigger. Plus, your lives will be easier. You don't have to be that "Coming To America" chick that kept saying "Whatever you like..." But, we don't want to feel like what we do, or say might start a debate.

I am by NO means saying we men don't have a lot to work on. Remember, the question was, "What do we need to do to resell the dream of marriage and family to our black men?" I'm just merely answering a question.

The bottom line is, having a healthy relationship takes a lot of work. But, doesn't anything worth having???

I'll probably get roasted by the majority of sistas that read this. But, if only but one female enhances her relationship/life, I am good-to-go.


  1. Honestly, I agree with this post. Being a nigga I'm right and your ass is wrong type chick, I learned that compromise is the best thing in a realtionship. Women make that shit hella hard for a man to commit sometimes. Yea she is a ride or die chick, but she nags the shit out of you.

    Just like men aren't perfect, women aren't either. Things need to be done with 100% on both parts, but I think we pass off our weakness to our partner because it's their strength.

    You thought I was gonna kick ur ass, but you did the damn thing with this one. Great Post!!!!

  2. Thanks so much, Chick! I really value your input because I know you'll give me a kick in the ass, if I'm trippin'.

  3. I definitely agree w. this post! I've been w. my S.O. for 3 years and, while we've never gotten into BAD arguments, we've had disagreements on stuff regarding a few of these. But, for the past year, we've both have definitely been on our couples A-game so-to-speak lol. No arguments simply by compromising our views on certain things.

    While each couple is different, I totally agree that these little suggestions go far! Esp. #3 & 4! Showing a united front may seem like a small task, but it goes a long way in relationships. I agree 200% w. #4 in the sense that being a ride-or-die doesn't simply mean going along w. everything, but also offering other alternatives that may prove to be more efficient in the long run.

    Great post!!

  4. Thanks for coming thru and blessing the spot, Phoenix! It's good to see sistas take ownership. What we, as men, for one of y'all to reciprocate with what we men can do to resell the same dream to the sistas. The time has come to stop the power struggles in our relationships, and get some damn teamwork cracking!

  5. I think the thing that really stuck out for me was when you said we don't have to agree with everything he says but he doesn't want to feel like what he does or says will start a debate. Thats probably my biggest issue right there because debate doesn't bother me. I don't see it as antagonistic or bothersome. I love discussion and I question myself often so it's only naatural to question him. While I do believe there is a certain type of man who will not mind this, I think most men want to avoid debating with their woman....and I've learned why. It's kind hard when you have a lot of emotions for someone to continously debate wit them...everything gets lost in translation cause you too busy in your emotions so it's hard to do, not impossible, just hard. EXCELLENT POST!

  6. Fantastic post! I'm on the outside looking in but I must say your post is the Thug Rock Star version of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

    I agree with Vi Chick concerning compromise. The ability of a couple to compromise is paramount to its' success (much like the iconic yin & yang, give and take.) When each member feels valued both win.
    Today's women are different from the women of the bible, we own property, have traditionally male careers, & out earn our male counterparts. Women need to let their men do for them, so they are treated as the heroes they are inside their minds. With this said, wives should still submit (as the bible says) to their husbands... in the sense that woman's independence without a foundation of equitable trust can erode a man's self-esteem. As far as I am concerned when a man feels threatened, useless or "castrated" he doesn't want to try anymore... he wants what's easy and what makes him feel good. Just as women do.
    A good relationship is worth a rocky journey.

  7. Char & Fly, once again...Thanks for coming through. You are always welcomed here. I am delighted that, while remaining objective, you see what it is. From the positive feedback from the sistas, it seems the diagnosis has been made. Now, let's find a cure!

  8. Good post..maybe I need to move cuz the problems I see with the black men and relationships in the part of town where I am from are way deeper than this. It's a challenge to find quality dating material let alone a black man that is open to a relationship.I'll keep looking and will remember to practice these little nuggets the day I do find "Mr. Might be Right".

  9. I can honestly say I agree with what you're saying but I hope people understand that both sides truly need to give a little to support each others needs.

    Many of us women have been thrust into the superwoman role due to the circumstances of our situations. Some of us want to play our role, in as much as being the backbone of the relationship, however dealing with some less than adequate men, we had to put on out capes and ride off into the sunset.

    I feel what you're saying, though. Hopfully it will help quite a few relationships to have it all laid out plain for them.

  10. You make some very good suggestion for the ladies to consider since it is coming from a man. You giving us the inside scoop. What I would love to see from you is list of what you THINK men should do for their woman. To keep us happy outside of loving us. What does loving us entail? Be specific. (make it a new post)  How can we continue to see black marriages increase and sustain themselves?

    I was in a relation with a guy who was pretty well known and heavily immersed in the music scene. I was his "ride or die chick", back bone & I supported everything he did. His several business trips and having to trust nothing funky was going on while he was on the road.

    Now I say WAS because he is an EX now. I found that although men (him) want all this from a woman it doesn’t seem top of mind for us! Especially if a woman has a career of her own we need the same support too. We are not all Independent Women, meaning I am not trying to be SUPER WOMAN. I want a man..a MAN! So tell me please, what it is your bredrens plan to do to support us.

    I really enjoy your discussions. Keep it up!