Question posed on Twitter, early Sunday morning: "What do we need to do to resell the dream of marriage and family to our black men?"
Usually, you don't get too many thought-provoking tweets, on Twitter. I was at my favorite spot, slightly inebriated, when I saw this question.
It caught my attention.
Firstly, I can tell you that the vast majority of us brothers want to do the "marriage & family" thing. It hits us, after we've "sown our royal oats." I know the saying says "wild oats", but we are Kings, so our oats are royal, dammit. In seriousness, I'm going to break down some issues that preclude us from pursuing the so-called "American Dream" and perpetuates the "playa" approach.
1.) Sistas, please throw out that antiquated-assed "I'm always right, because I'm a woman" philosophy. That shit could not be more incorrect, and it only serves to frustrate us because we start thinking we can't communicate with you. You're not always wrong, but try to dig what we're saying. And for fuck's sake...be a woman about yours, and apologize when you KNOW you're wrong. We do it, even when we're right. Trust me, it will endear us to you, when you show that vulnerability. You won't look weak. I promise.
2.) Don't try to control all the money. The issue of control over finances is the #1 cause of divorce. You try to control a man's money, and you are trying to control that man. At least, that's our perception. Encourage him to get more engaged with the bills, if you're the one that does that. A lot of us don't help the situation by saying, "I bust my ass to make the money. Take care of it." Guys, when you do this, you're asking to have your nuts cut off. You may as well say, "take all my money and just give me what YOU think I should have."
3.) When it comes to children, don't make us the "bad guy." You have to hold children accountable, like we do. "Wait until your father gets home" ain't gonna cut it. Beat that ass, then tell their father why you did it, when he gets home. Be their mother first, and THEN be their friend. They need that, and they will respect both of you more because you're showing a united front. I promise, those kids won't stay mad at you. But, they will get mad at you later in their lives, for not caring enough to steer them in the right direction.
4.) Be that "ride-or-die chick." Support what we set out to do. Don't berate us or laugh us off, saying things like, "That won't work", or "Boy, you silly." We are open to suggestion. If we do come up with a bad idea (as we often do), help out. Suggest a better way, and offer support and assistance. It's an investment. It will strengthen that "Bonnie & Clyde" thing, that couples need. Us against the world, baby.
These are just a few suggestions. But, you'd be amazed at the positivity things like this can trigger. Plus, your lives will be easier. You don't have to be that "Coming To America" chick that kept saying "Whatever you like..." But, we don't want to feel like what we do, or say might start a debate.
I am by NO means saying we men don't have a lot to work on. Remember, the question was, "What do we need to do to resell the dream of marriage and family to our black men?" I'm just merely answering a question.
The bottom line is, having a healthy relationship takes a lot of work. But, doesn't anything worth having???
I'll probably get roasted by the majority of sistas that read this. But, if only but one female enhances her relationship/life, I am good-to-go.