Friday, August 14, 2009

Home Improvement For The Brothas: one Sista's perspective.

A while ago, I wrote "Home Improvement For The Sistas", a snapshot into what the sistas can do to help us men be better men. I anticipated resistance/rebuttal from the ladies. I was pleasantly surprised with praise and support. I did get requests for what the brothas can do to help the sistas help us. Ladies are complex creatures that I am still endeavoring to truly understand, so I went and got a female point of view. Ladies & Gents, I give you the sexy, HIGHLY intelligent (and my partner in cerebral assassination) Anette, also known as @HotSexyBiscuits, on Twitter. Check out some more of her outstanding posts at Take it away, Anette...

Segue to female voice...

Now my boy, ThugRock, gave some key points for the sistas to chew up and digest and apply to their lives in regards to the male perspective on relationships but I want to break a few down for the fellas, if ya’ll would allow me to massage your frontal lobes for a second. Is that alright? Ok then, here we go -

1. We can handle the truth, can YOU handle our response to it? Women can handle the truth just fine from the gate. If you tell us the deal from day one then allow US to decide if we want to take on the task of whatever your truth is ( 3 baby mamas, no job, live with your mama, no car, rap career hasn’t taken off yet and work at KFC, etc.) then you put the ball in our court. Sure, sure, if you lie this will prolong all the glorious sex you could have with her until she finds out the truth but in all honesty, the drama that will follow it will suck for both of you. You know you don’t really want to deal with the rain of phone calls, text messages and the other drama that comes with some women feeling betrayed because you didn’t come out with it in the beginning. You may act like it doesn’t bother you to keep sending the calls to voicemail and deleting texts but you know it does and so do we.There are some women who will say they are cool with the truth then flip later on. With women like that you have to watch for the signs: If she starts asking you questions about who you are with all the time, checking your cell phone call list or trying to hack your Myspace page password, chances are she ain’t cool with it at all. Women like that may say they are cool but in reality are thinking “Oh I can change him to my way of thinking, just give me time”. If you find out that is the case, SHUT IT DOWN. Period, no negotiations. You see the train wreck coming down the track, move out the way. So what the sex may be good, good sex is relative in that respect if you’ve already gone down that road but make the U turn quick before you’ve gone too far to prevent the drama. A real woman knows you can’t change a grown man, just as you can’t change a grown woman. If a woman knows what the deal is with you up front, it saves her time frominvesting feelings in you, gives us the proper perspective of what the relationship could really be (friends/lovers/booty call) and saves her $10 bucks on the gasoline she’d buy for setting your crib on fire when she finds out you lied to her. Just be open with it up front, if she isn’t interested, brush ya shoulders off and keep it moving. Help us help you.

2. You date women of other races because ‘you don't feel we are submissive enough, we have too much attitude and won’t be a freak in bedroom’. If you don’t get anything else I say get this: some black women are freaks in the bedroom to the RIGHT man. If she hasn’t been one to you, chances are you ARE NOT him. People have had misconceptions about this that go way back to slavery. A person’s melanin level or lack thereof has nothing to do with her attitude, her ability to listen to her man or if she’s down for whatever sexually. Sure there are some women who are just loud for no good reason, combative just for the sake of a good fight and just won’t do anything but be selfish sexually. This is only a small percentage of the women out there. Just because she doesn’t advertise how she is in the bedroom or at first seems to question what you are about and even may be a bit of a firecracker, if love happens, sometimes she will mellow out(at least towards you, anyway). You have to earn our respect to heed what you say, you have to show us you aren’t going to sail our relationship/family boat into the rocks. If you prove you are the head, we will take our place by your side, not behind you. We aren’t meant to just accept everything you say, you should respect a woman who will challenge how you view the world, you both can grow that way. You don’t make executive decisions in a relationship, you come to conclusions together. As far as the sex is concerned, again, all women are different regardless of color. If she feels a comfort level with you, this opens up the door to the things you can do. You must do what it takes to make that happen if that is what you desire. You can have the lady in public and the freak in the bedroom. There are more undercover freaks out there than you can even imagine. Act accordingly and you may find one.

3. We are independent women, however this does not mean we don’t want you. I love Ne Yo’s song 'Miss Independent' and you should too, if you take it for the real point behind it. We have our own money, jobs, homes and all that however all this means is that we don’t need you. This has nothing to do with us wanting a man. Now some women may take this out of context but I’m not talking to them right now, I’m talking to you. WANTING a man means you desire his companionship, his conversation, his insight, his strength, his heart and his love. NEEDING a man means you need his money, his credit, his car, his cash and all the material things he has. Sometimes it’s harder to get close to women who are fully self sufficient because we will throw you the side eye quick for the same reasons a successful man would: ‘what do you want, me or my money?’ Not all of us want to compete with you. We are just used to running the show in our families,especially if we are single moms. Give us the space to grow to trust you and in time we will allow you to be the head of the household if all is meant to be. Relationships are about knowing that both of us contribute certain things to the table. You have your role and we have ours. You may be the head but we are the backbone. Neither of us can survive without the other. Learning to be ‘We’ when you’ve been ‘Me’ for so long takes some time to adjust to. Bear with us.

4. Just because the last woman couldn’t see your potential doesn’t mean the next woman should have to pay for her lack of vision. Don’t assume that because your ex thought your dreams weren’t worth anything that all women are the same way and should be treated as such. We want to have your back and to be that ride or die chick you want us to be, however you have to show us that you are truly doing something with your potential. At some point you need to put your career as a rapper in the hobby section of your life (at least until it actually takes off) and get a day job to pay the bills. If you have been in the studio recording your demo for the past 10 years, we are going to look at you a little suspect. We look to you for security and if you keep jumping from career to career it makes us nervous that you can’t provide for the family as well as puts us in survival mode (i.e., Independent Woman flag alert). We don’t have a problem sacrificing for the family temporarily (we work while you go to school) so you can help provide a better future for us. If we feel like we are partners with you for a common goal for the greater good of the family, in lean times we’ll eat top ramen and hotdogs because we know at some point we’ll have steak and lobster. We have thoughts of you pulling a Waiting to Exhale on us (we sacrifice, you gain then leave us for another woman) however if you make it clear it’s all about you and her and your family, all will be well. Be realistic with your goals, let us see that you are working towards achieving them and we will be the Bonnie to your Clyde, no doubt.

We all know relationships are hard work but what we all must understand is that we are all molded by our past experiences. We’ve all had less than positive relationships and if we all wipe the slates clean, treat each person as an individual and not as a representative of their gender as a whole and not as someone who deserves to deal with our past baggage or clean up the last person’s mess, we would all fare much better. Instead of thinking outside the box, live life as if there is no box. She is an individual and so are you. We can only take responsibility for the mistakes we make as who we are and not for anyone elses.

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her." Maya Angelou

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